The weather felt warm for January when I stepped off the bus; I thought I might go for a run. I wasn’t sure of my decision, since I hadn’t run since mid-November, but the swim season was over and I knew I had no homework.
When I stepped inside my house at 4:20, and spied the bag of Krispy Kreme crullers, I made a choice: running or donuts? I picked the donuts, and with it, an afternoon of sitting in a desk chair writing.
So what happened to the health nut—the girl who ran compulsively, drank green smoothies every morning, and Daniel-fasted to start the new year*?
*The 2011 new year, that is. I never mentioned the fast publicly—it was mostly for spiritual reasons, but, you know, there was the added benefit of losing a few pounds. I drank nothing but water and ate no meat, dairy, added sweeteners, leavened bread, and deep-fried foods for almost three weeks.
This is what happened: she stopped looking for validation in her body. Upon becoming capable of receiving love no matter what she looked like or thought she looked like, she loosened the restrictions and lightened the pressure. As evidence by my brother who doesn’t understand why I’m willing to drink a green smoothie for breakfast yet ask for a second slice of cake for dessert, she let up maybe a bit too much.
Even in my sophomore year I used track to try to control my body. After the season ended, a revelation came to me upon reading Geneen Roth’s book When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair:
I’m tired of fighting my body; wrestling with my weight, both mentally and physically. I’m tired of trying to eat in a way that manipulates my mind and body into “health.” There is a world of difference between forcing my mind and body into submission on the track and enduring hunger (which I both fear and enjoy); and loving my body, being kind to myself, and treating myself right. It’s not about tiring my body and mind; it’s about being mentally, emotionally, and physically sound.
Do you see why I I can’t do track this year?
I don’t have the right motivation. I don’t want to race people, be competitive, be fast, be first. I just want a sound mind and body.
Track is something like AP Calculus: It’s something I’m expected to do based on my past performances and achievements, but it appears to be more painful than it is enjoyable. One activity is a mental challenge, another is a physical challenge, and both involve frustration and stress. I know track and calculus require sacrifices, and the benefits don’t seem worth it now that I can’t find validation in my brains or my body.
In short, I’m taking the season off because I need to find a way to manage my exercise habits, body image, and weight in a balanced, sustainable way. I don’t want to 18-hour days involving both a track meet and a synthesis essay. I don’t want two solid months of six-days-a-week, two-hours-a-day exercise. It’s kind of ridiculous.
More than midway through the track season (April 1, 2011), I wrote about the stress:
I want to sleep. To go home, rest. Relax.
But my inner drive calls out, “You’re eating but not exercising.”
I say, “I don’t care. I want to eat… lots of chocolate.”
I hear, “You can’t do this forever. You need to balance pleasure and rest with work. Have fun, but work hard.”Rest and sunshine: I got it 4 weeks later at the beach.
I want sunshine.
I don’t want track meets that make me feel slow and out of breath and butterflies. Pain. What’s the use of it?“Push through the pain. It’s so temporary. This is fun; this is what you do; what you love. The blue skies and chirping birds and taste of spring in my lungs. Strong muscles and a certain pride.”
But this is not for the glory. There is no glory reserved for me in these races: for neither how I look nor how fast I am.
The only merit—my only redemption in poor races—lies in the fact that at least I am there.
I’m at that point where I think, “How can I survive two more years of this?”
Why would I do something that I have to “survive”? No, this spring, I want to make habits that I can maintain the rest of my life; habits that make me feel healthy in mind, body, and soul. It’s not that I want to lose weight; it’s that I want to focus on more important things than myself, achieved by doing my best to maintain balance.
To that end, my dream is to train for a sprint triathlon (750m swim – 20K bike – 5K run), but there are transportation and money issues involved when I try to extract my exercise habits from the demands of a school sport. We’ll see. For now, I’m just working on extracting my value and identity from the confines of my pathetic abilities, for my only dependable source of worth is my Heavenly Father.
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Today I did a legitimate work-out for the first time in a while. (Have you heard of bleacher miles? Running around a track, you jog up and down the steps of the bleachers three times every lap. We only did 2 miles, or 8 laps.)
Have a good weekend, everyone.
